This morning, as I sat there, enjoying some relaxing tea, and the dawn breaks around me, I couldn’t help but praise God for all He’s been doing in my life lately. This year has already proven to be a year of colossal change, and it’s only July. When I chose “all things” to be the phrase that would define 2021 and guide my goals throughout this year, I could feel that the Lord was preparing to move in my life in big ways. However, even with that inkling, I never imagined just how big. My wildest thoughts and dreams were tiny compared to where I feel the Holy Spirit is leading me now.
Back in 2020, I was prepared to do everything possible to heal from past trauma and to grow, so I could finally blossom into the person my Heavenly Father always meant me to be. I was well aware that I had boxed myself in in an attempt to protect myself from any more harm. In a way, this method had kept me safe. But I suddenly realized that I was so cornered and cramped that I wasn’t truly living. Yes, I was surviving and existing. Yet, my well-built fortress had shrunk to such an alarming degree that it had become my prison. My jail cell was so teeny tiny that I found myself having panic attacks because I actually felt closed in and trapped.
As I continued to grow, my miniscule box shrank even more at an alarming rate to the point I was literally suffering from claustrophobic attacks. I increasingly felt like there wasn’t even room for me to breathe! I eventually felt like I either had to break out of this prison of my own making or I would surely perish under that mounting pressure of my imprisonment.
One night, last summer, it finally came to a head. It was the middle of the night. I had awoken from my sleep with a terrible start. I was literally gasping for air. The weight of my growth and the squeezing confinement of my prison of “safety” were too much to bear any longer.
I found myself rushing outside, trying to find somewhere with more space. Then, perhaps, I could finally catch my breath and calm down. But even under the vast expanse of the night sky, I still felt constricted to the point I’d surely die!
There I was desperately looking up, praying my heart out to God. It felt like my very soul was raw and bleeding. I was begging the Lord to please break me free before it all crushed me. I’m not sure how long I actually walked and prayed. In many ways, it felt like a thousand nights had passed. In the middle of it all, though, I remember sinking to my knees in desperation and exhaustion, barely having enough strength to whisper one last time for Him to set me free.
That’s when I heard the Holy Spirit louder than I’ve ever heard. I can’t remember the exact words, but it went something like this:
“My child, you are already free. Christ set you free as soon as you chose to accept His gift of salvation so many years ago. Your chains are long gone. The door has been open this whole time. In fact, Jesus blew that door right off of the hinges. It doesn’t even exist anymore.
Satan has lied to you and tricked you into staying in a prison that can no longer contain you on its own. He knows he can’t steal you from Me, so he’s doing everything possible to steal a blessed and prosperous future from you — the future I so carefully and lovingly planned for you.
Arise! Walk out of that open door and never look back. Come to me and seek me in all things. I will lead you towards the things you desire the most and then so much more. Trust completely in Me, and all will be well.”
This was undoubtedly a huge turning point in my life. Not only could I finally breathe again, but I was free at last! In many ways, it felt like an actual metamorphosis. I walked through that open door and eagerly pursued the Lord with all that I am. I wanted to avoid ever going back to that awful prison I had unwittingly locked myself into, so I was determined to put as much distance between me and Satan’s old lies as possible.
The problem though is the devil is the father of lies. Just because the Holy Spirit helps us smash through one or even a bunch of Satan’s lies, it doesn’t mean our battle with him is over. The devil is sneaky and crafty and loves to bounce when we least expect it with another tricky snare of lies.
Satan knew that I was running hard toward my Heavenly Father, bent on following God’s path in my life at all costs. He knew that the old lies weren’t going to stop me anymore either. So, he threw a new curveball that sent me crashing down onto my face. He couldn’t convince me any longer that I wasn’t fully worthy of God’s love and that the Lord, therefore, didn’t want to use me for His glory. So, the devil is now trying to convince me that my Heavenly Father is expecting way too much from me. He’s planting seeds of doubt that God’s plans are so huge that little ol’ me, with my dark past and my many scars, will surely fail. He’s been trying to pound it into my head that I am too imperfect, too weak, and too shameful to rise to where the Holy Spirit is leading me, let alone for me to stay there and not fail miserably for all to see.
Sadly, Satan’s curveball did work for a couple days this week. I found myself cowering in the proverbial corner again, licking my wounds and having a pity party for one. Who am I to think God could use me to help others? Who am I to actually grow excited about becoming a part of or even starting a ministry to reach those, who like me of the past, feel too far gone or too dirty or too unworthy of Christ’s love? What a fool and a giant failure I am, and I should be ashamed of myself!
In the midst of my self loathing, though, God reminded me yesterday that He doesn’t call the equipped. Rather, He equips the called. I don’t have to be a brave, mighty, capable warrior to win the battles ahead of me. I don’t need to be a wise, perfect, disciplined follower of Christ to reach those who are hurting or lost. I don’t even have to have all the answers or understand how it will all work. I just have to trust and obey. The rest is in the Lord’s hands.
If the Holy Spirit is leading me to something, He will surely give me everything I need to succeed. Satan and maybe even some of the people around me may call me by my trauma, my failures, my shortcomings, and even my shameful sins, but my Heavenly Father calls me by name and by His grace and mercy. The Lord sees me for who I am in Him, and He knows my heart longs to please Him and to help others. That is all that truly matters.
© 2021 Amanda R. Dollak
Amanda R. Dollak 