What Truly Defines Us?

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Over the last two or three years, I have experienced a myriad of changes and extensive growth across virtually every area of my life. Still, my transformation is far from over. God is hard at work behind the scenes, molding me and tempering me into the person He created me to be. In many ways, my life and even my personal identity currently feel quite murky and shrouded in mystery. To be honest, I’m struggling to define who I am and who I yearn to be.

However, this raw and sometimes terrifying process has left me sure of a few things, so far. One of which is that the Lord made me a writer and therefore, to be wholly myself, I must make time to write on a regular basis. If I am not pouring my heart, mind, and soul onto a page somewhere, I’m left feeling like a mere shadow of myself: hollow and barely even two dimensional.

One of novelist Franz Kafka’s best quotes (at least in my opinion) is “A non-writing writer is a monster courting insanity.” I know this is 100% accurate from experience. The longer I don’t write, the more uneasy and tense I become. I grow increasingly short tempered, negative, and discontent with myself and the world around me. I can certainly pinpoint times when I wholeheartedly felt that writing has kept me sane.

A journal entry to process a bad day. A poem to get through heartbreak. A letter to mend a broken relationship. A written prayer to praise God in the darkest of valleys. A carefully thought out essay to reach hearts or change minds. An emotional blog post to remind others they aren’t alone. Even a quick note of gratitude or of encouragement to a friend. Every single word I write flows from who I am and reaches out to those around me.

If the words stop, so do I. My thoughts, emotions, dreams, and imagination gradually slow down until they come to a screeching halt. And then I’m left barely able to function. If it goes unresolved for too long, I can barely breathe.

I once believed we are defined by our jobs. What we are paid to do. What society recognizes as our worth, which often is defined by the clout or dollar signs they might offer. The older I become, though, the more I know the importance of defining ourselves, not by the world, but by our God-given worth. Who we are in the Lord. How we give our lives over to Him. The moments we spend trying to love and help others. Who our Heavenly Father designed us to be. And how eagerly we seek God and His plan for our lives.

What it comes down to is this: I’m a writer because that is how God planned it out. I am a writer, regardless of how the world might define me. It doesn’t matter how much I’m paid, how many readers I reach, or how much respect I earn in my field. I am a writer because writing makes me happy, brings me purpose, and gives the Lord glory.

Writing is part of my very essence, so to ignore it or neglect it is insanity. I wouldn’t try to stop eating or breathing, so why would I try to stop writing? It’s time to prioritize this essential part of who I am—and always will be—from now until the day I leave this earth.

It’s time to daily revel in this amazing purpose which God has blessed me with. Life is so incredibly short. I don’t want to waste a single opportunity or minute simply because I’m allowing the world to tell me who and what I am.

I am a writer, and I’m here to write! The rest is in the Lord’s hands.

© 2021 Amanda R. Dollak

Insomnia Can Be a Superweapon

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I adore my creature comforts. Take away my food, comfy clothes, or my sleep, and I unfortunately get cranky fast. I may not be high maintenance; however, if I don’t get the basics, especially at least 5 hours of sleep at night, I struggle to not devolve into a whiny, teary-eyed blob, sprawled on the floor, having a pity party of one. Keep me adequately fed, watered, and comfy, though, and it’s mostly smooth sailing, even when life gets hectic.

I love sleep. Sleep loves me. Sleep and I are best buds. Don’t ever keep us apart for too long. Or else my world starts caving in. Give me sleep or give me death, people! (Yeah, I can get a bit on the melodramatic side when I’m sleep deprived.) That’s probably why I hate insomnia so much. It’s an evil thing that gets in the way of my dreamland bliss.

And tonight, the insomnia monster is at full force. It’s after 4:00 AM, and here I am writing a blog post about sleeping instead of–you guessed it–sleeping! As a writer, though, I’ve come to realize that even insomnia can be a mighty secret weapon, if wielded properly. There’s something about sitting alone at night, the house (and world) silent around you. Alone with your thoughts, musings, and crazy imagination. Just the clicky-clack of your fingers flying across the keyboard. It never fails to get the ol’ creative juices flowing. And sometimes inspiration hits like a giant dam suddenly burst upstream.

Tonight is one of those dam moments. Although I would much rather be sleeping right now, (dawn comes quickly these days), I must admit that I’m having the time of my life tonight. Well, perhaps, not my life, but certainly in recent days, weeks, and possibly even months. I feel like a new person. I’m on fire. I’m overflowing with ideas, and I can’t get enough! I’m almost tempted to never sleep again–well, at least until I get all of these concepts written down.

After I couldn’t fall asleep, I started writing a new story based off of a crazy dream I woke up to yesterday. The dream was so vivid that I actually remember a huge chunk of it. It makes a pretty good story, too. It has plenty of plot twists and the climax is so unexpected that I doubt many people will see it coming.

I’ve had an extremely productive night. I picked a title. I started character dossiers. I even wrote a story synopsis that is almost 4,000 words long. It’s coming along beautifully! I’ve never had a novel idea flow this freely and easily. I have all the main plot points laid out. I merely need to flesh out the storyline more and add depth to my characters. Then, I can dig into writing this book from cover to cover. It feels like this thing is almost writing itself!

I know I should be heading off to bed soon to try–yet again–to drift off to sleep. Nonetheless, part of me is energized and rejuvenated by this flood of inspiration. If writer’s block is a drought, I’m experiencing the monsoon of the century, folks! I honestly don’t want to stop! It’s as though I’ve inadvertently hit pay dirt. I accidentally found an oil well, and it’s madly gushing all over the place. How can I not be excited or eager to enjoy the moment while it lasts? Who knows when this inspiration will dry up?

WIsh me luck. I’m going to need it! I must find a happy balance between sleep and writing when my brain is still exploding like a monstrous volcano. You know, I should treat this surge of creativity more like a fire, rather than a force of nature. Under the right conditions, a fire can be harnessed and contained. With both the appropriate amount of air and fuel, flames can burn for a long time without causing harm. A writer requires a healthy balance of writing time and rest. If I tread carefully, I won’t burn out and neither will my inspiration.

© 2020 Amanda R. Dollak

The Bible: My Favorite Book

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As long as I can remember, books have had a special place in my life. I quite literally spent over half of my childhood sick. There was also a lengthy period of my adulthood when my fibromyalgia and chronic migraines kept me mostly confined to bed. Books served as an escape. They were portals to anywhere and everywhere I longed to be. They also offered a sort of companionship, keeping me company as the world rushed on by, oblivious to my hardships and struggles. Books helped to keep my hopes and dreams alive when my life seemed to be at a stand still. They filled the monotonous moments while fueling my imagination and keeping me sane.

The book which influenced–and still influences–me the most is the Holy Bible. Aside from the fact that God Himself is the Author, it is a masterpiece. It has pretty much everything: adventure, unexpected plot twists, underdog heroes, detestable villains, murder, redemption, romance, triumph, failure, joy, sorrow, and most things in between. The Bible also seems to always hold at least a gem or two to help me through whatever life throws my way. You can’t beat the perfect pairing of great storytelling and priceless wisdom and guidance through both the highs and lows of life.

I have lost count of the number of times I’ve read the Bible from cover to cover. I’ve also lost count of how many copies I own. In fact, I recently found copies I had long forgotten in our move almost 8 years ago. (It’s amazing what you can find when the spring cleaning bug bites you, and you dare to venture into the dark recesses of your basement!) Despite all of this, I sincerely can’t get enough of spending time in the Scriptures. I still approach my daily Bible reading and study with eagerness and even excitement.

It’s amazing how many times I can read the same ol’ Bible passages time and time again. Yet, just when I need it the most, the Holy Spirit pricks my heart with a new angle or a new application to my life that I had never considered before. And with each new minute I spend reading the Lord’s Words, I grow to love and know Him more. Now that’s what I call depth and richness!

Of course, I could never hope to pen a literary creation even a micro-fraction as valuable as the Bible itself. (Hello, we’re talking about a product of the Creator of the universe here!) Still, after looking back on how much comfort, help, and joy God has given me through His Word, I can’t help but want to touch other people’s lives in my own little way. If my writings (and one day, books) could help comfort someone through a long illness or remind an individual that they aren’t truly alone during a difficult day or even make a person smile when they have every other reason to cry, then my efforts as a writer will be well worth it. All the late nights, stressful deadlines, dreaded bouts of writer’s block, and moments of self-doubt won’t be in vain. I would have lived my purpose and passed on the blessing of the special connection that only exists between author and reader.

What is your favorite book? When did your love of reading first start? Please share in the comments!

© 2020 Amanda R. Dollak

Amanda: What Is in a Name?

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Looks like I’m a lot farther behind that I imagined. Life’s been pretty chaotic lately. In particular, I’m still adjusting to not only having my kids home all day and every day, but now my kids’ school has switched to online education while we wait out the coronavirus. I hate being this behind schedule. Nevertheless, life happens. It’s messy business at times and things rarely go as planned. I don’t want to have to wait until next April to take this journey of rediscovery. I need to remind myself now of who I am as a writer and how I became the writer I am today, so I’ll simply dive in head first and catch up along the way. It’s a week late, but here is my A post for the Blogging from A to Z April Challenge:

One of the things that helped mold me into a writer is my name Amanda. It is funny how something I’ve had since before birth–completely out of my control–could still be influencing me today. But it does. My mother chose my name because it literally came to her in a dream while she was pregnant. She loved to tell me how she kept having a recurring dream of an old woman who repeatedly told her that she should name me Amanda. This story has always intrigued me. Who was this woman? Was she a figment of my other’s imagination? Was she a figure from a long-forgotten memory? Or was she something more?

Dreams are such mysterious things. We spend about a third of our day and thus our lifetimes asleep. It’s believed that dreams are an important part of rejuvenating after a long day and processing the myriad of thoughts, feelings, and experiences of our waking hours. But how much do we really know about this crucial part of our existence? Where exactly do dreams come from, particularly those which seem to have absolutely no basis within reality? Why exactly do we dream what we dream? Why do some people remember their dreams while others don’t? Why do recurring dreams happen?

What makes this story even stranger is that later on my mother discovered that her grandmother’s name was Amanda. My mother had never met her. She never recalled ever hearing anyone mention her name before. It’s mysterious, indeed! We may never know exactly where this dream came from or why I came to be called Amanda, too. My name is a story full of questions and the unknown.

Still, it captured my imagination as a child. I remember lying in my bed at night, daydreaming about the possible source of my mother’s dream. My imagination knitted countless stories to explain how I came to be called Amanda.

Even today, my name and its origin still remind me of the endless mysteries in life. There’s so much about the universe that we still don’t know or understand. God works in mysterious ways. Isaiah 55: 8-9 says, “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts” (KJV).

My name doesn’t let me forget that I am small but the Creator of this amazing universe is limitless. I will never come close to understanding this life. It doesn’t matter how long I study or seek or grow as a human being. Life isn’t about achieving it all, accumulating it all, or knowing it all. It’s impossible. Rather, the Lord blessed me with curiosity, imagination, and dreams. Through these characteristics, I can spend my life learning, creating, maturing, imagining, and seeking Him. My name’s a reminder that life isn’t about all the mundane, limited, and even contrite matters that tend to take up my day. In reality, life involves reaching for the unreachable, attempting to imagine the unimaginable, and understanding that there’s so much more than meets the eye.

How or why did you get your name? Every name has a story, and I’d love to hear it.

© 2020 Amanda R. Dollak

I Should Be NaNo-ing the Night Away

I should be NaNo-ing the night away.  I haven’t worked on my NaNoWriMo novel since Saturday, so I’m increasingly getting behind on my word count.  I sat down at my desk at 8:30 pm to work on it tonight.  However, I have yet to write a single word to add to my current 4,000-word story…and it is after 1 am!

I know, where did the time go?  No, I didn’t fall asleep at my desk.  No, I didn’t get swept into the Facebook blackhole again.  No, I didn’t get distracted by games or anything considered a frivolous pastime.  Rather, I spent the last few hours consumed with other writing matters.

1.)  I searched for and added some new music for my writing playlist.  I meant to do it before NaNo started, but I never did finish my pre-NaNo checklist.  Fresh music equals fresh inspiration, so it was certainly a necessity, even though it doesn’t directly contribute to my NaNo word count.

2.)  I wrote another poem.  I am going through another fibromyalgia flare, either because I over did it this weekend with manual labor or because I’m still adjusting to the new strain of NaNo….or both.  Writing poetry about it, however, helps me cope with all the feelings that erupt because of my flare ups and helps me get recentered again.  Of course, I need to be recentered to focus on writing my novel, so again, time was spent away from NaNo, but it wasn’t a true loss.

3.)  I did some freelance writer paperwork.  Now, this definitely has nothing to do with NaNoWriMo.  Nevertheless, it had to be done.  Writing is my passion, but it is also my business and files are a part of any business.  It’s a boring and time-consuming process, but it is certainly a necessary evil.

4.)  I got sucked into writing a number of blog posts and articles (including this one).  Even with NaNo in full swing, I still have other writing obligations.  I have three blogs and write articles for a living.  Again, this isn’t beneficial to the novel-writing process…unless of course, you count blogging about why I’m not actively writing my NaNo novel right now.

5.)  I took notes for a new short story idea.  As some of you may know, I am working on a collection of short stories with a similar theme.  I’ve almost completed one of these short stories, and I’m collecting ideas for the subsequent ones.  Tonight, I added a third idea to my short story list.  What can I say?  Writing and inspiration only breed more writing and inspiration.  Since NaNo started, I’ve been flooded with countless new ideas…all of which are stubbornly vying for my attention.  You’ll have to excuse me when once in a while I get distracted by them.

6.)  I’ve come to a point in my NaNo novel where my plot is a little hazy.  I’m still trying to figure where to go next with it.  I already know the main plot points.  However, I need a transitional point right now and I’m a bit stuck.  I’ve been brainstorming and reworking my novel outline to try to fix this tiny snag.  I haven’t fixed it completely yet, but at least I can say I’ve made some progress.

What do you think?  Was my creative night worth slipping a little farther behind with NaNoWriMo?

© Amanda R. Dollak 2013