What Truly Defines Us?

Photo by jasmin chew on Pexels.com

Over the last two or three years, I have experienced a myriad of changes and extensive growth across virtually every area of my life. Still, my transformation is far from over. God is hard at work behind the scenes, molding me and tempering me into the person He created me to be. In many ways, my life and even my personal identity currently feel quite murky and shrouded in mystery. To be honest, I’m struggling to define who I am and who I yearn to be.

However, this raw and sometimes terrifying process has left me sure of a few things, so far. One of which is that the Lord made me a writer and therefore, to be wholly myself, I must make time to write on a regular basis. If I am not pouring my heart, mind, and soul onto a page somewhere, I’m left feeling like a mere shadow of myself: hollow and barely even two dimensional.

One of novelist Franz Kafka’s best quotes (at least in my opinion) is “A non-writing writer is a monster courting insanity.” I know this is 100% accurate from experience. The longer I don’t write, the more uneasy and tense I become. I grow increasingly short tempered, negative, and discontent with myself and the world around me. I can certainly pinpoint times when I wholeheartedly felt that writing has kept me sane.

A journal entry to process a bad day. A poem to get through heartbreak. A letter to mend a broken relationship. A written prayer to praise God in the darkest of valleys. A carefully thought out essay to reach hearts or change minds. An emotional blog post to remind others they aren’t alone. Even a quick note of gratitude or of encouragement to a friend. Every single word I write flows from who I am and reaches out to those around me.

If the words stop, so do I. My thoughts, emotions, dreams, and imagination gradually slow down until they come to a screeching halt. And then I’m left barely able to function. If it goes unresolved for too long, I can barely breathe.

I once believed we are defined by our jobs. What we are paid to do. What society recognizes as our worth, which often is defined by the clout or dollar signs they might offer. The older I become, though, the more I know the importance of defining ourselves, not by the world, but by our God-given worth. Who we are in the Lord. How we give our lives over to Him. The moments we spend trying to love and help others. Who our Heavenly Father designed us to be. And how eagerly we seek God and His plan for our lives.

What it comes down to is this: I’m a writer because that is how God planned it out. I am a writer, regardless of how the world might define me. It doesn’t matter how much I’m paid, how many readers I reach, or how much respect I earn in my field. I am a writer because writing makes me happy, brings me purpose, and gives the Lord glory.

Writing is part of my very essence, so to ignore it or neglect it is insanity. I wouldn’t try to stop eating or breathing, so why would I try to stop writing? It’s time to prioritize this essential part of who I am—and always will be—from now until the day I leave this earth.

It’s time to daily revel in this amazing purpose which God has blessed me with. Life is so incredibly short. I don’t want to waste a single opportunity or minute simply because I’m allowing the world to tell me who and what I am.

I am a writer, and I’m here to write! The rest is in the Lord’s hands.

© 2021 Amanda R. Dollak

Insomnia Can Be a Superweapon

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

I adore my creature comforts. Take away my food, comfy clothes, or my sleep, and I unfortunately get cranky fast. I may not be high maintenance; however, if I don’t get the basics, especially at least 5 hours of sleep at night, I struggle to not devolve into a whiny, teary-eyed blob, sprawled on the floor, having a pity party of one. Keep me adequately fed, watered, and comfy, though, and it’s mostly smooth sailing, even when life gets hectic.

I love sleep. Sleep loves me. Sleep and I are best buds. Don’t ever keep us apart for too long. Or else my world starts caving in. Give me sleep or give me death, people! (Yeah, I can get a bit on the melodramatic side when I’m sleep deprived.) That’s probably why I hate insomnia so much. It’s an evil thing that gets in the way of my dreamland bliss.

And tonight, the insomnia monster is at full force. It’s after 4:00 AM, and here I am writing a blog post about sleeping instead of–you guessed it–sleeping! As a writer, though, I’ve come to realize that even insomnia can be a mighty secret weapon, if wielded properly. There’s something about sitting alone at night, the house (and world) silent around you. Alone with your thoughts, musings, and crazy imagination. Just the clicky-clack of your fingers flying across the keyboard. It never fails to get the ol’ creative juices flowing. And sometimes inspiration hits like a giant dam suddenly burst upstream.

Tonight is one of those dam moments. Although I would much rather be sleeping right now, (dawn comes quickly these days), I must admit that I’m having the time of my life tonight. Well, perhaps, not my life, but certainly in recent days, weeks, and possibly even months. I feel like a new person. I’m on fire. I’m overflowing with ideas, and I can’t get enough! I’m almost tempted to never sleep again–well, at least until I get all of these concepts written down.

After I couldn’t fall asleep, I started writing a new story based off of a crazy dream I woke up to yesterday. The dream was so vivid that I actually remember a huge chunk of it. It makes a pretty good story, too. It has plenty of plot twists and the climax is so unexpected that I doubt many people will see it coming.

I’ve had an extremely productive night. I picked a title. I started character dossiers. I even wrote a story synopsis that is almost 4,000 words long. It’s coming along beautifully! I’ve never had a novel idea flow this freely and easily. I have all the main plot points laid out. I merely need to flesh out the storyline more and add depth to my characters. Then, I can dig into writing this book from cover to cover. It feels like this thing is almost writing itself!

I know I should be heading off to bed soon to try–yet again–to drift off to sleep. Nonetheless, part of me is energized and rejuvenated by this flood of inspiration. If writer’s block is a drought, I’m experiencing the monsoon of the century, folks! I honestly don’t want to stop! It’s as though I’ve inadvertently hit pay dirt. I accidentally found an oil well, and it’s madly gushing all over the place. How can I not be excited or eager to enjoy the moment while it lasts? Who knows when this inspiration will dry up?

WIsh me luck. I’m going to need it! I must find a happy balance between sleep and writing when my brain is still exploding like a monstrous volcano. You know, I should treat this surge of creativity more like a fire, rather than a force of nature. Under the right conditions, a fire can be harnessed and contained. With both the appropriate amount of air and fuel, flames can burn for a long time without causing harm. A writer requires a healthy balance of writing time and rest. If I tread carefully, I won’t burn out and neither will my inspiration.

© 2020 Amanda R. Dollak

Creativity Overload

Photo by Ola Dapo on Pexels.com

With all that’s going on in the United States and around the world right now, 2020 is certainly the year for serious thought and reflection. At least, it has been for me. With the pandemic keeping me mostly at home, I’ve had loads of extra time to reflect and think. And boy, am I a thinker! My mind is always going a million miles a minute. My brain loves to absorb whatever is around me, and deep within this hard head of mine, the gears are always grinding as I process whatever I take in. Sometimes, a seemingly insignificant kernel of information will lodge itself into those gears, and it’ll be rattling in there for weeks or even months, until suddenly it spawns something brand new and unexpected.

Years ago, I realized that this is both a blessing and a curse. As a writer, having an overactive, inquisitive mind is extremely useful. My brain spends so much time mulling things over in my head that I have an easy time looking at life from many different perspectives. I often can look at mundane, ordinary objects and, in no time at all, see marvelous and exciting things in their place. My imagination can take something that most people would barely glance at and transform it into an awesome plot idea for a new novel. Being able to thoroughly analyze topics and different points of views additionally helps me create diverse and well-rounded characters for my stories.

Despite all of these advantages, though, having a mind that has a mind of its own can cause a ton of problems, too. There are times when I wish with all my might that this wacky brain of mine had an off switch. When I need to concentrate on an important task, there are times when I’m distracted by the craziest of rabbit holes. Oh, and sleep? Something that should come naturally and easy? Yeah, with a brain that is more cluttered and noisy than a virus-infected computer with an endless supply of pop-up ads, sleep is a constant battle. My body may always be eager for some shuteye, but my imagination is worse than a kid in a candy store.

And being cooped up in the house most days since March has fed my imagination with enough candy that it may never allow me to sleep again. I’ve started more projects than I could count in 2020. I’m constantly hopping from one project to the next and back again, too. My creativity is through the roof, and I’m often attempting far more than any sane person ever would. (That is actually why I’m a couple weeks late with this blog post. I got distracted by another project and got lost along the way. I completely forgot that I ran out of scheduled blog posts, and inadvertently neglected my blog.)

Who knows how long this pandemic will last. I pray constantly that it will pass soon and life can settle into a new calm. In the meantime, though, I must learn to rein in my brain and not allow it to run me ragged. These are troubled times, so I am immensely grateful that such negativity is spawning something positive within me. However, you CAN have too much of a good thing. I need to learn to pace myself as I run this course of creativity. I don’t want to burn out prematurely. I desire to finish off strong and make the most of this extra inspiration before it’s gone.

© 2020 Amanda R. Dollak

With Writing, I Can’t Compromise

Photo by Ivan Samkov on Pexels.com

 

Eventually, we must all decide what we want out of this life and what we are willing to sacrifice to make our dreams come true. Years ago, I realized that I wanted to be a writer most of all. The lure of creating stories and new worlds to share with countless others was intoxicating. Also, I I felt this stirring deep within me that told me that I’d never be myself if I ignored this dream. But most of all, I wanted to write because I longed to reach people, to touch their hearts and minds, and to uplift them during their darkest and loneliest of hours.

As a child, I was sick more times than I could count. I also had a difficult childhood. I came from a troubled home, dealt with some abuse, and ended up a foster child. Books were my refuge. They spoke to me. They took me away from the chaos and uncertainty. They gave me hope. And they taught me that there is so much more to life than my bleak little corner of the world.

Because of this, I decided early on that I wanted to write to give back. I yearned to pass on the hope, encouragement, and imagination that had been bestowed upon me through the countless books I read as a child. Oh, if I made a nice paycheck along the way, I knew I wouldn’t ever complain. But my main purpose of becoming a writer was to do my part in making this world a little brighter and bearable for my readers.

I still write for that reason. With society’s obsession with drama, gossip, and dirt, though, it sometimes feels like I’m doing a lot of work for little to no pay. Now don’t get me wrong; I love being a writer. I get such satisfaction doing what I love and occasionally hearing feedback from people saying how much my writing has touched them. Still, since I have chronic illnesses (in particular, severe fibromyalgia), I can’t be as prolific of a writer right now, and thus, my paycheck is pretty much nonexistent. I am starting over and relearning the ropes simply because I was too unhealthy in the past to keep up with my freelance writing career.

Every now and then, I am offered a new project or gig. Usually I’m extremely thrilled. Lately, though, these new opportunities aren’t meeting my overall goals and standards as a writer. The lure of a nice paycheck initially tempts me to compromise on my dream and write fluff and junk. Nonetheless, I’ve always reminded myself that my writing is a reflection of who I am as a person. So, despite the temptation, I can’t do it. I can’t compromise who I am simply because society eats this garbage up and it might help to pay the bills for a little while.

I have to stay true to myself. I have to abide by my convictions and my standards. If I start compromising my dream, I start compromising myself and my life’s work. I’m a person of integrity and honor. I’m nowhere near perfect, but I always have to do what I feel is right. It is the only way for me to like what I see every morning in the mirror. And it is the only way for me to write at my best. I simply can’t compromise. If God wants me to move back into freelance writing, He will open the door for me. I won’t have to take iffy shortcuts or compromise on my ideals. If I am meant to work on more than my own personal projects right now, quality and worthwhile projects will find me. It’s as simple as that.

 

© 2020 Amanda R. Dollak

There Is Never Enough Time in the Day

Photo by Agung Pandit Wiguna on Pexels.com

Have you ever noticed that no matter how much we try to organize, schedule, and cut out the fluff, there still is never enough time in the day? I am a wife, the mother of two teenagers, the servant of a household of cats, the companion of a dog with boundless energy, a freelance writer, and the cook, maid, organizer, and (oftentimes) krazy glue of our home. It doesn’t take long before the end of the day creeps up on me (or in this case of this past week, the dawn).

All the time management experts offer tons of tips on how we can better utilize our time every day. They claim that if you organize your life and find the areas where you are wasting your time, you will eventually have plenty of time during your day. However, I don’t think they were talking about stay-at-home mothers who also strive to work from home and who love to bite off far more than they can chew.

It doesn’t matter how much I reorganize and cut; there simply isn’t enough time in a 24-hour period. I almost never get to watch TV. I don’t play video games (except a little online or phone app play as the occasional break). Every time I am on the phone, I am doing a million other things. I even try to limit my social media and internet time these days. And sleep? I’m definitely nowhere near overdoing that!

I multitask my multitasking. I eat breakfast and lunch while I am doing something else. I scrub with both hands. I wash dishes and laundry simultaneously. Without running myself ragged and driving myself crazy, there is no way I can squeeze any more minutes out of my day. It just isn’t humanly possible.

Yet, I don’t mind so much. I do hate when I don’t get everything finished on my daily to-do list. I’m a perfectionist and love to push myself hard. However, I can’t complain too much. My life is full and happy. There is never a dull moment.

To be completely honest, I wouldn’t survive most days without a healthy dose of prayer and plenty of help from the Lord. However, I still wouldn’t have it any other way. I love my family. I love the life that God has blessed me with. I certainly still have much to learn about patience and prioritizing, but overall, I love working hard for my family and challenging myself daily to grow closer to the person the Holy Spirit is leading me to be. I thank God every day to be alive, and I hope to never take a single new day for granted.

© 2020 Amanda R. Dollak