Over the last two or three years, I have experienced a myriad of changes and extensive growth across virtually every area of my life. Still, my transformation is far from over. God is hard at work behind the scenes, molding me and tempering me into the person He created me to be. In many ways, my life and even my personal identity currently feel quite murky and shrouded in mystery. To be honest, I’m struggling to define who I am and who I yearn to be.
However, this raw and sometimes terrifying process has left me sure of a few things, so far. One of which is that the Lord made me a writer and therefore, to be wholly myself, I must make time to write on a regular basis. If I am not pouring my heart, mind, and soul onto a page somewhere, I’m left feeling like a mere shadow of myself: hollow and barely even two dimensional.
One of novelist Franz Kafka’s best quotes (at least in my opinion) is “A non-writing writer is a monster courting insanity.” I know this is 100% accurate from experience. The longer I don’t write, the more uneasy and tense I become. I grow increasingly short tempered, negative, and discontent with myself and the world around me. I can certainly pinpoint times when I wholeheartedly felt that writing has kept me sane.
A journal entry to process a bad day. A poem to get through heartbreak. A letter to mend a broken relationship. A written prayer to praise God in the darkest of valleys. A carefully thought out essay to reach hearts or change minds. An emotional blog post to remind others they aren’t alone. Even a quick note of gratitude or of encouragement to a friend. Every single word I write flows from who I am and reaches out to those around me.
If the words stop, so do I. My thoughts, emotions, dreams, and imagination gradually slow down until they come to a screeching halt. And then I’m left barely able to function. If it goes unresolved for too long, I can barely breathe.
I once believed we are defined by our jobs. What we are paid to do. What society recognizes as our worth, which often is defined by the clout or dollar signs they might offer. The older I become, though, the more I know the importance of defining ourselves, not by the world, but by our God-given worth. Who we are in the Lord. How we give our lives over to Him. The moments we spend trying to love and help others. Who our Heavenly Father designed us to be. And how eagerly we seek God and His plan for our lives.
What it comes down to is this: I’m a writer because that is how God planned it out. I am a writer, regardless of how the world might define me. It doesn’t matter how much I’m paid, how many readers I reach, or how much respect I earn in my field. I am a writer because writing makes me happy, brings me purpose, and gives the Lord glory.
Writing is part of my very essence, so to ignore it or neglect it is insanity. I wouldn’t try to stop eating or breathing, so why would I try to stop writing? It’s time to prioritize this essential part of who I am—and always will be—from now until the day I leave this earth.
It’s time to daily revel in this amazing purpose which God has blessed me with. Life is so incredibly short. I don’t want to waste a single opportunity or minute simply because I’m allowing the world to tell me who and what I am.
I am a writer, and I’m here to write! The rest is in the Lord’s hands.
I was sitting here tonight, contemplating an empty page. Not only an empty blog post but an empty canvas as I face a brand new year. At the beginning of 2020, I was filled with such hope and enthusiasm. I felt like 2020 was bound to be a fresh, vastly different chapter in my life and nothing could stand in my way! I was going to be bold and face the many obstacles standing between me and where I felt the Lord leading. I entered 2020 with a ferocity and faith I haven’t known in years. Little did I know, the new year would prove much more trying than I originally thought.
Truthfully, I could sit here all night and rehash the countless sorrows, hardships, trials, and disheartening events of 2020. I could spend the entire new year lamenting the difficulties of living in the middle of a pandemic (which continues to feel like it will never end). However, it is a new year. It’s time to reset my mind and my focus. It is time to once again look to the new year with renewed hope and determination. Regardless of what lies ahead, I yearn to make the most of 2021.
Every New Year’s Eve, I choose a word or short phrase that sums up the direction God is leading me towards in the new year. Last year’s phrase was “be bold” . . . something I have struggled with far too much in recent years. Anxiety, fear, and doubt have been my worst enemies lately, and I could hear the Holy Spirit repeatedly urging me to step out, let go, and break out of my comfort zone in many areas of my life. In the end, this proved extra difficult to do with the coronavirus wreaking havoc all around me. Still, I embraced this theme and accomplished multiple goals in 2020, which I originally feared would never, ever happen in my lifetime.
Now that 2020 has ended, I will continue to take this newly discovered boldness with me and build upon it. I’m eager to see what the Lord has in store for me as 2021 dawns, all shiny and new, sparkling with endless possibility! After much prayer and reflection, I have decided the theme for my life in 2021 will be “all things.” At first, “all things” seems like a strange phrase to describe a year. It is kind of vague and isn’t exactly exciting. It doesn’t conjure any spectacular mental pictures or wouldn’t inspire any awesome motivational posters. In fact, at first glance, “all things” seems pretty dull and downright confusing.
Nevertheless, “all things” is the perfect phrase for cultivating the proper attitude and perspective in 2021. And I will explain to you exactly why:
(1) All things are (and should always be placed) in God’s hands. Frankly, I worry too much. I drive myself crazy trying to always have all the answers and to handle all the chaos in life. I fight battles that, if I were honest with myself, aren’t even mine to fight. And those I should fight, I often foolishly attempt to wage on my own.
The phrase “all things” will remind me in 2021 that I’m not in this alone. God’s got this. All of this. In all actuality, He already has it all figured out and planned for. All of this stress and nonsense is unnecessary. I have an all-knowing, all-powerful, always-present, ever-loving Father right here beside me in all things. He goes before me. He has my back. He knows and plans for all of my needs. Nothing ever takes Him by surprise. I can take comfort in this as I lay all things in His very capable hands.
(2) God can use all things–good AND bad–for His glory and our betterment. Romans 8:28 (KJV) promises “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.” During a year like 2020, I was tempted many times to just give up and wallow in all the negativity around me, as well as the discouragement and self pity welling up inside of me. It became easier and easier to fall for the lie that the Lord had abandoned me in the middle of my darkest hour simply because I was surrounded by difficulties in every direction.
Thankfully, though, each time I found myself wrestling with these doubts, the Holy Spirit would remind me of past difficulties in my life and how days, weeks, and even years later, I finally could see that God worked through the heartache, pain, and even trauma, and used all of it for a greater purpose. We may never completely understand nor see the big picture. But we can trust that our Heavenly Father is good and loving and, as such, will use all things for good.
(3) We should be thankful in all things. 1 Thessalonians 5:18 (KJV) reminds us that : “In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.” I don’t know about you, but I’m not always the best at this. During the good and plentiful times, I’m always quick to thank the Lord and count my blessings. But when times get tough–I mean, really tough? Well, my first instinct is “let’s throw Amanda the biggest pity party in the history of mankind.” I mean, the why-me’s and the what-else-could-go-wrong’s come spewing out of me like you wouldn’t believe.
I’m not too proud of this side of myself. Of course, life’s been hard for me frequently over the years. As such, I have plenty to justify this attitude. But I also have just as much–actually much, much more–to be grateful for. It’s time to start pruning all of this negativity out of my life. I must start seeing all things at all times, not just the negative ones, so I can remember that I always, always, always have something to thank God for.
(4) But most importantly, we can do all things in God. As part of building my boldness in 2020, I decided to try to eat, sleep, and breathe Philippians 4:13 (KJV): “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.” After years of struggling with fear, doubt, anxiety, and self image issues, I couldn’t take it anymore. I felt like there was a major disconnect between who I was and who the Lord meant me to be simply because I never felt like I was enough. I felt stuck on the outside, looking in at my own life, cut off from the full and effective existence that my Father has longed to give me for years. And I’ll readily admit that it was a cold, lonely, heart-breaking place to be.
It’s continuing to be a long battle of trying to reprogram my brain to find my worth, not in the approval of others or what I can accomplish in and of my own power, but in God and in who I am as His child. I’m a flawed human being stuck in a pretty flawed body and from a seriously flawed past. I’ll never come close to hitting the mark, let alone the unrealistic expectations that others (and even myself) have set for me. My fear, anxiety, and doubt have been partially right all along. I can’t do all things. Not on my own anyway. But I have the ultimate secret weapon: Christ! Jesus gives me everything I need to do all things. If I’m meant to do it, it’s going to happen. God’s got me. No failure, hurdle, kink in the plan, or delay is going to stop me if it’s the Lord’s plan. In Christ, I am unstoppable: I can do all things!
I hope that as 2021 unfolds before me, I will keep the phrase “all things” in the forefront of my mind. May the Lord use this theme to transform my life and to continue to heal me. I long to be close to God and to cultivate a life that is wholly centered around Him. I have no idea what 2021 may bring, but I choose to have faith and trust in my Heavenly Father. He will get me through ALL THINGS.
How has 2020 changed you?
What positive things are you taking with you into the new year?
What are some of the goals you hope to achieve in 2021?
I’ve noticed that I easily become so frustrated and discouraged with my life these days. And today I’ve finally realized why. I’m not patient enough with myself. I fail to see how far I’ve come and what all I’ve overcome. I especially fail to see that life–and any goal I set–is a journey. Therefore, I can’t expect to reach the destination immediately. It’s downright ridiculous!
The reality is we wouldn’t expect to go on vacation by stepping out our front door and immediately finding ourselves relaxing on some faraway tropical beach. So, why should we expect our hopes, dreams, and hard work to reach the end immediately? We shouldn’t.
A journey is challenging. It takes thoughtful planning. It takes appropriate preparation. It also takes plenty of patience and perseverance. Anyone who has attempted a long road trip or a vacation thousands of miles from home knows that if you are ill prepared or impatient, a million things can and will go wrong.
Can you imagine if we set out on a road trip in the way we approach our goals and life expectations? It wouldn’t be pretty. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised to find many of us out of gas, traveling in the wrong direction, or giving up and turning back long before the trip even had a chance to get started.
I know I’m guilty of all three of these fatal errors…and more. However, I’m done. I’m finished having unrealistic expectations about myself, my life, and my goals. I’m ready to embrace the journey along with the destination. I still want to change a lot in my life, but I’m going to try to enjoy myself as I work towards those changes.
If I hit a roadblock or a detour along the way? It’s fine with me! I’ve always enjoyed little surprises anyway. One little obstacle doesn’t make or break a journey. Besides, some of the greatest things in life can be unexpected.
If I get a little lost along the way? No problem! I’ll be enjoying the new scenery as I get myself back on track.
Oh, and if I don’t reach the journey’s end when or even where I expected? It really isn’t that horrible. The trip can be just as fulfilling and enjoyable as the destination.
Life is all about the living part. Life is actively seeking to learn, to grow, and to become more. All that busy, noisy, chaotic, and messy stuff that falls between beginning and end–between birth and death–is what life on this earth is all about. We should be enjoying it and relishing it as it happens, not ignoring it as we yearn for the future. We’ll miss out on so much if we don’t enjoy the ride each and every step of the way.
Amanda R. Dollak 