Posts Tagged ‘inner writer’

My poor poetry journal!

 

I’m giving myself a mental slap across the face tonight. Just because no one else believes in my dreams or thinks they are worthwhile, it doesn’t mean I should give up and mope for the rest of my life. This is MY life. These are MY dreams. I know deep inside that I was meant to be a writer. It doesn’t matter whether or not the masses read my work. It doesn’t matter whether or not those close to me ever read what I write. It doesn’t matter whether or not I ever make any decent money for what I do. Staying true to my heart’s deepest desires is all that matters!

I am not me without writing. I can’t sleep right. I can’t think right. I can’t function if I stop for too long. You can argue all you want that I’m not cut out to be a famous writer. Well, maybe I’m not. But I assure you, I’m meant to be writer–plain and simple.

I am a writer…a writer is me. I MUST write to thrive. It has been that way since I first learned to read and write. Call it foolishness. Call it a waste of time. Call it whatever you want. However, it’s what I am…it’s what I do…and it’s what I’ll do until the day I die!

 

© 2013 Amanda R. Dollak

Tigger Sleeping Under Blanket

Lately, I am starting to wonder if my brain didn’t get the memo.  I no longer can stay up to 2, 3 or 4 am because I’m supposed to be awake by 6:30 in the morning now.  My little princess gets on the bus very early this year, so I had absolutely no choice in changing my schedule so drastically.  We’ve been using this schedule since the middle of August, so c’mon, brain, can’t we adjust here?

After another late, late night again, I’m starting to think maybe it is a hopeless task.  My creative mind is most active at night.  And my energy levels are higher towards my new bedtime (10:30).  I end up feeling like a squirrel on Red Bull when I try to force myself to fall asleep so early–still!

I get ants in my pants.  I can’t seem to stop fidgeting.  My mind gets bombarded with a billion creative ideas and many more random thoughts.  My brain starts spouting poetry.  Words start stringing into sentences in my head.  Story scenes begin to appear as my imagination takes over.  I end up feeling like I have an entire mob yelling, screaming, and vying for my attention within my skull.  Not very conducive to peaceful sleep, is it?

It is certainly a futile battle.  I’m never going to win.  My muse is just far too powerful for little ol’ me.  Of course, I’m going to do everything in my power to turn out the lights by 10:30 every night.  But if the racket gets too, there’s no point in fussing, complaining, and fighting the situation.  It would be fruitless and insane to do!  There was a time–not too long ago–when I was so blocked up with raw emotion from hardships in life that I couldn’t even write a whole sentence. I honestly feared I would never write again.  I thought whatever I had was broken, destroyed by too much pain and grief.  So, even now when I’m running on fumes and running into walls in utter exhaustion, I still keep in mind it could be worse.  I could be up late night after night unable to write, afraid that I might permanently lose an vital part of myself forever.

 

© Amanda R. Dollak 2013

I Am Afraid

 NaNoWriMo is only a little over a day away.  Although I am still super excited and poised on my seat, the intensity is mounting…and so are my jitters and doubts.  To try to purge myself of all the negativity, I thought I should write them all out and address each and every one of them:

I am afraid

I am afraid that I don’t have what it takes.

I am afraid that I won’t know what to write.

I am afraid that what I have to offer won’t matter.

I am afraid that all my work will be in vain.

I am more afraid

I am more afraid that I will die before I fulfill my dreams.

I am more afraid that the world will never hear my soul.

I am more afraid that I will disappoint myself.

I am more afraid that my life will be in vain.

This is new territory for me.  I have always dreamed big, but I’ve never set a goal this high before.  Can I stay focused, calm, and dedicated through the whole challenge?  Can I write at least 50,000 words in a month?  Can I finally finish a novel?  Only time will see.  However, may my fears, doubts, and any other roadblock vanish right now, and may I approach NaNo on November 1st with a clear mind and a strong heart.

Good luck to all my fellow NaNo participants.  May we cross the finish line together–happy, empowered, content, and confident–no matter our final word count!

© Amanda R. Dollak 2013

Public Domain (Harriet Roosevelt Richards 1867-1932)

Public Domain (Harriet Roosevelt Richards 1867-1932)

I am guilty–through and through–of neglecting my blogs again.  The weeks leading up to my wedding grew more and more hectic.  And the chaos hasn’t relented even though I’ve been officially married for 11 days.  I know, excuses…excuses.  But we are all human and time is limited.  Sometimes we neglect for a time the things and people we love for other things and people we love.  The challenge is trying to juggle everything and everyone without dropping a single thing or making anyone feel left out.  I obviously am NOT a master at this, especially since I have a chronic illness complicating an already crazy schedule. So, forgive me and let’s move on to some wonderful news: I’m working on my first book!

Some of you may know that I consider myself a creative writer first and foremost.  Although I adore blogging and enjoy informative writing, my love of writing blossomed from my desire to make my own stories, poetry, and songs.  Since poetry is the only creative writing that I’ve published so far, I tend to neglect my first love–except for an occasional poem here and there.  Right now, creative writing doesn’t help too much to pay the bills, so it gets put on the back burner far too often.

Well, my muse decided this week enough is enough!  I have been mulling over an idea for a collection of short stories for months.  In fact, the first story has tried to practically write itself on several occasions.  However, with wedding plans and other obligations, I did my best to set it aside until I had some more free time.  The free time never DID come…so my creative mind decided Sunday night that I had wait long enough.  I found myself desperately trying to get some sleep when BAM! inspiration slammed me in the face and refused to let me go until I wrote several pages.  I was up until nearly 2:00 am writing this short story even though I knew that I had be up at 6:30.  When the perfect moment strikes (at least in the opinion of your muse) you don’t argue or fight it.  You ride it wherever it will take you.  Anything less would be insane.

I am about halfway finished with this first tale of the collection I hope to publish as my first book.  I already have the rest of the story outlined, and my mind is already mulling over the details of the rest of the short stories.  Who knows if this first book of mine will be anything to brag about.  It might even end up stinking.  However, it MUST be written.  Some invisible force has been insisting for months that I’m meant to finish these short stories.  And no matter what, I WILL finish them!  There is no other way to get back the reins of my life.

Has inspiration ever hijacked your life and refused to let go until you wrote a literary piece?  If so, I’d love to hear about it.

survivor_[2013]

In 2012, I decided to experiment with my writing.  I started my first blog, and within a couple months, I experimented with my blogging abilities by entering the A to Z April Blogging Challenge.  As a newbie blogger, I was eager to test the waters, but I was also scared to death.  Even though I had been a content writer since 2008, I knew little about starting and maintaining a blog.  I went into the 2012 A to Z Challenge excited and determined but worried that I would never make it to the end.

Despite my self-doubt and worry, I finished the 2012 A to Z Challenge, and I eagerly waited for April to come again.  I was hooked!  In the beginning, I was afraid that blogging was not for me.  A year later, though, I have three blogs, all of which I entered into the 2013 A to Z Challenge—and survived!  Discovering blogging and then this challenge has changed me forever.

I have grown immensely as a writer through my blogs and the A to Z Challenge.  I have learned more about myself and my writing.  I have discovered my strengths and my weaknesses as a writer.  I have grown more confident and creative.  I have embraced my identity as a writer and learned to allow my voice to flow more freely.   Ultimately, blogging and the A to Z Challenge have allowed me to see that I have been underestimating myself and my writing abilities.

I once believed that my writing depended on a bunch of factors.  I used to think that I needed to find the perfect time, place, and idea before I could truly write.  In life, however, there is rarely perfection.  I wasted so many years of my life waiting for the right conditions so I could I begin writing seriously.  But seeing my ideas and words unfold before me, last year and now this year, through the mad rush of the A to Z Challenge has proven me wrong.  I now know I can produce quality writing even if I am pressed for time and must write around a thousand distractions and other obligations.  I can beat writer’s block and find endless sources of inspiration.  And I can be productive and write daily if only I believe in myself and make it a priority.

For two years now, the A to Z April Blogging Challenge has been my own journey to self-discovery.  Last year I learned to overcome my fears and reservations as a new blogger.  And this year, I discovered how to keep writing even when life throws the most difficult of obstacles.  I can’t wait until next year to see what other valuable insights I might find!