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Have you ever just woken up one day — figuratively speaking — and realized in horror that your life is exactly what you were trying to avoid? That was me tonight. Without going into all the ugly details, I had a sudden and jarring moment of clarity. It was like God gave me a healthy smack across the back of the head to finally get my attention through all of my stubbornness and pride.
It was as if I had been living in a dense fog, and all of a sudden, everything was crystal clear in all of its grotesque and terrifying glory. It was as though someone gave me a hard slap in the face. It felt like an unexpected shower of ice-cold water, too. It made my heart flip flop and my stomach twist into a tight ball. It literally knocked the breath right out of me, as though someone punched me in the gut. I was seriously put through the wringer!
It was sobering. It was shocking. It made me feel physically ill. And it brought tears to my eyes. I felt so disappointed and angry with myself. I couldn’t believe the truth before me. It was like I had been completely blind and then suddenly, my vision was finally clear after months of staggering around through life.
My first instinct was to cower . . . to hide from this harsh reality. But then the sensible side of me kicked in. There wasn’t anything to be ashamed about. We all make mistakes. We all fail sometimes. We all end up doing things we aren’t very proud of. This doesn’t automatically mean we are a bad person. Rather, as long as we learn and grow from these mistakes, we should continue on with our heads held high.
Instead of being like an ostrich with my head stupidly buried in the sand, I choose to take responsibility for my actions. I didn’t mean for things to turn out this way, but they did, and I now want to change that. I choose to seek forgiveness, as well as to forgive myself. I choose to undo any and all damage that I can. I choose to right the wrongs that I have inadvertently caused. Yes, I choose to move forward from here: not tomorrow or next week but this very moment. It’s the only way to get my life back on track and to continue on towards where the Lord is leading me. I can’t fix the past, but I choose to learn from it.
I feel better already!
© 2020 Amanda R. Dollak
Amanda R. Dollak 